New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour ****fest Didn't Keep You Up

[D_Litch]

Mildly NSFW

via TheOnion

OSHKOSH, WI—Roommate Brian Penderman, 26, announced Monday morning that he hopes the loud bumping, grinding, and moaning of the five-hour-long ****fest he had with his girlfriend did not in any way prevent you from sleeping last night.

"I'm exhausted—are you exhausted?" Penderman asked while he extended his arms in a stretching motion and yawned loudly. "Honestly, though, I sincerely apologize if all that ****ing that was going on in my bedroom kept you up until the early hours of the morning."
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Penderman, who moved into the apartment last September based on your buddy Dave's insistence that he was an all-right guy, was never pressed for details, but openly volunteered information regarding the ****fest's length, the nakedness of his girlfriend, and the number of times they "did it." According to sources in the apartment, Penderman's most recent ****fest was also his first ****fest since moving in.

"Just so you know, we didn't plan this or anything," said Penderman, referring to the self- described ****fest that took place between approximately 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. "Out of respect for you, we were just going to have a quickie. In fact, I was done and ready to go to sleep after 20 minutes, but she kept begging for more."

Added Penderman: "You know how chicks can be."

Confessing that the ****fest had taken a considerable toll on his body, Penderman voiced numerous complaints ranging from aching arms to chafed knees to a sore penis. Penderman went on to explain that the reason his penis was so sore was because it had repeatedly entered and exited a female vagina the night before.

While his girlfriend reportedly hurried out of the apartment at 7 a.m. in order to return to her hometown of Shawano and was therefore unavailable for comment, Penderman apologized on her behalf for all the loud, crazy sex noises you must have been hearing. Penderman admitted, however, that he was not prepared to discount the likelihood of another ****fest occurring very soon.

"I can't say it won't happen again, because she's talking about taking the bus down here in August," Penderman said. "You might want to go away that weekend. But if you are around, I'll slip a note under your door saying 'Having ****fest' and you'll know."

"Not that you wouldn't know anyway," he added, despite your repeated insistence that you in fact slept very well. "As you might have noticed, she's a bit of a moaner."

Though Penderman established that he has not seen you bring home anyone in months, he stated that he would not be opposed to you having a ****fest.

"This is your home, you should be able to bang all night long anytime you want—like I did," Penderman said. "I'd be happy to ask my girlfriend if she knows anybody who might be interested in you."

Throughout the day and then again that afternoon when you returned home from running errands, Penderman continued to express regret that "this place reeks of sex," which he blamed equally on the considerable amount of intercourse he was having over and over again yesterday and the apartment's thin walls. Penderman added that he would be glad to buy a scented candle or air freshener at the store this evening, when he goes to replace the large number of condoms he used the previous night.

"****fests are not all fun and games, my friend," Penderman added. "It's a lot of hard work to just keep going on and on and on. I mean, you heard us, right?"

Before your departure from the apartment for the night, Penderman offered to have an open discussion about the ****fest "when you're ready," in order to answer any questions you might have about the ****fest and to assure you that he will try to conduct future ****fests in a way that will not cause you to feel uncomfortable or jealous to be living with a guy who gets it so regular.

While I've never had a roommate like this, I have worked with and am friends with a lot of guys exactly like this. If any of you have any friends/acquaintances like this, you probably laughed as much as I did.

[MadBryan]

I work with guys who date strictly off "My Space" and "craigslist" so yeah, I hear it alot.

[Twilight]

When I was a teen, I had a buddy whose g/f was staying with him at his mom's house. Wnet over to visit one day and was downstairs talking with his mother and we could hear the g/f screaming and the headboard banging off the wall. His mom just rolled her eyes, made some crack like "here we go again" and changed the subject. I could not believe he would do it with his mom downstairs!

[D_Litch]

His mother was either really creepy, or really awesome.

[pickleL7]

What?can you speak up

[Crippler]

LOL. I remember those days. Ahh yeah. College was great.

[The Milk Man 09]

Sorry about all the noise while you were trying to post pickel I was obviously haveing a ****fest and the thin walls of this forum could not withhold the noise that resulted from it.

Something like this happened the other day when I was over at a friends house. I woke up in the middle of the night to hear an apparent "wrestling match" in one of his roomates bedrooms.