PreGameLobby

Wondermonkey · 09-18-2007, 04:09 PM

For many gamers, this Monday will be an event to remember. We'll endure ridicule at work (You're off tomorrow for what?), we'll endure ridicule at home (You're off tomorrow, and for what?), but we will do what we think is necessary to feed this alternate reality we have so meticulously built for ourselves.

As older gamers, we are creatures of night, many with very little time on our hands to game. This is why, come next week, on the eve of one of the largest game releases in history, we will have taken our naps, ingested large amounts of caffeine, brought along a jacket and some work to do in line, and attempted to join the legion of gamers who have no problem staying awake or making time to play.

This list was compiled by the best of the rest, the oldest of the elders, and the most experienced of casual gamers. We guarantee (void in Tennessee) that if you follow some of these tips, you will have no problem finding the time to play Halo 3.

The "Better-Half" Tips

By Sunday Night, 9/23, do all the laundry in your house, on your own, with no help. This will eliminate the likelihood that you will hear "you could at least have done some laundry while you were home."
Finish at least two chores you started in 2001. It's going to be inevitable that the second your better-half leaves for work, she or he will call you with an idea: "You know, I still don't have that area for crafts in the garage you promised, and you're home today..." Have some leverage.
Take the partner out to dinner, starting now, ending Sunday. The technical term is "buttering up."
You've got launch day off, but that's not good enough. You need at least one pre-launch day off with the family to make up for catching Halo-tosis and staying home sick on the 25th. Trust us.
Buy your better half something to keep them busy. They've wanted a kitten, a ring, a car? Who cares, it's worth it.
Hire a cute lawn boy or sexy nanny. Not only will this help with the chores, but this will help keep your boo occupied. PGL does not advocate lawn boys or sexy nannies servicing your significant other, but it does advocate you doing what it takes to game. Proceed with caution.
Spring for a good back massage. Fork over the money for a 72-hour spa session and send the kids to their aunt's house for that same time frame.

Survival Tips

Stock the fridge with the beverage of choice. Replace your Ensure with something caffeinated.
Shower late in the day on the 24th. This will save you the embarrassment of smelling like the teens you'll be waiting in line with.
Add extra food to the dog/cat bowl. Actually, this is more of a survival tip for your pets, but do it anyway.
Buy a supply of Depends. Just don't tell the significant other - keep this one to yourself.
Remove the pre-existing ass-groove from your couch. You want maximum mobility that day. Being confined to one ass-groove is not a good start. Flatten it out and start fresh.
The weekend before, dish out the attention to your family like you don't even have an Xbox 360. What Xbox? It will feel weird at first, but it needs to be done.
Have vision checked.
Have hearing checked.
Rest your hands/wrists on 9/24. This one might be tricky since we all know there are plenty of tempting hand/wrist activities to partake in…but abstain anyway.
Get all of your work done at the office the week before. Your vacation starts on Monday so don't get caught having to dodge work related questions during the 25th.

Possibly The Most Important Tip We Can Give You

Sunday night, go to McDonalds/Chuck E. Cheese/Local Arcade or similar location. Listen to the children fight, scream, and call each other names. Familiarize yourself with phrases like "homojew" and "buttplunger." Take notes and draw diagrams. Be sure to fully comprehend how superior a person is by how much they "rape" and "own." Then, on Tuesday Morning, play with only PGL members, and thank your lucky stars you don't have to hear any of that ever again.